April 2020
I woke up at 7 am today. I felt a longing in my soul to be up, when the sun rises.
Every day was the same now. A short blur, full of headaches and sleepiness, that no ammount of coffee or painkillers could circumvent. The nights before held on tight to my skin and bones. But not today, not today. Today was a new day. A better day. A fresh start.
Like every morning. Every day is a new day. Except the headaches. No traces of alcohol were left in my blood, no nicotine left in my lungs. I was new for once.
In the gloomy morning light I made myself a cup of coffee. I don’t even like coffee. I just take ages to wake in the morning otherwise.
I stepped onto my balcony in the cool and quiet morning air and lit a cigarrette. It tasted horrible, as usual, but so did the coffee. I didn’t mind the bitterness in my mouth anymore. Maybe I preferred it to resemble the bitterness in my mind. I let the smoke fogg up my brain.
Until a fresh breeze of air came and shook me up. Made me shiver, from inside out.
I haven’t felt anything so intense in a long time. My skin was tingling and the hairs on my arms stood up straight. I was elevated as the first rays of sunshine hit my skin in the soft morning light. After all these days in the darkness, heavy like buried unter the sea, hidden away in the safety of my room, my home, my flat - I finally felt something again.
This was it. This was life. I felt it with every fiber. Maybe this isn’t now or never. But after all, it is now. What else do we have?
No poem could ever capture the range of feelings I felt all at once this morning. After all, sitting alone in my flat, writing these works, makes me yearn for another day. Another beginning. I envy myself of what I will be allowed to experience tomorrow.
And then… darkness. Once more.
